SHORTER MITT ROMNEY: YOU DIDN'T BUILD IT -- I BUILT IT!

Shorter Mitt Romney:

You didn't build it -- I built it! Or at least the damn government didn't build it!

Verbatim Mitt Romney, in a dull rehash of his economic philosophy in The Wall Street Journal titled "What I Learned at Bain Capital":

A broad message emerges from my Bain Capital days: A good idea is not enough for a business to succeed. It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it. That was true of companies we helped start, like Staples and the Bright Horizons child-care provider, and several of the struggling companies we helped turn around, like the Brookstone retailer and the contact-lens maker Wesley Jessen....

My business experience confirmed my belief in empowering people. For example, at Bain Capital we bought Accuride, a company that made truck rims and wheels, because we saw untapped potential there. We instituted performance bonuses for the management team, which had a dramatic impact. The managers made the plants more productive, and the company started growing, adding 300 jobs while Bain was involved.

See? You didn't build it -- Mitt Romney did! So when Barack Obama says successful people don't become successful on your own, he's wrong -- er, he's right! No, wait...

Well, in any case, the government does absolutely nothing of value:

My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need to grow, by reducing and simplifying taxes; replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care; and by stemming the flood of new regulations that are tying small businesses in knots.

Government sucks! And so...

We are the most innovative, entrepreneurial nation in the world. To maintain that lead, we must give people the skills to succeed. My plan for a stronger middle class includes policies to give every family access to great schools and quality teachers, to improve access to higher education, and to attract and retain the best talent from around the world.

Which has nothing whatsoever to do with the evil government! Entrepreneurs still build their businesses completely on their own -- except when Mitt Romney does it for them! Or good schools do! Um...

The second lesson is that we must have a level playing field in international trade. As president, I will challenge unfair trade practices that are harming American workers.

Which also has nothing whatsoever to do with government!

Running a business also brings lessons in tackling challenges. I was on the board of a medical diagnostic-laboratory company, Damon, when a competitor announced that it had settled with the government over a charge of fraudulent Medicare billing. I and fellow Damon outside board members joined together and immediately hired an independent law firm to examine Damon's own practices.

The investigation revealed a need to make some changes, which we did. The company, along with several other clinical-laboratory companies, ended up being fined for billing practices. And a Damon manager who was responsible for the fraud went to jail. The experience taught me that when you see a problem, run toward it or it will only get worse.

Oh, and government is evil! Even the part of government that unearthed the original fraud and put a stop to it!

Which is why:

I am committed to capping federal spending below 20% of GDP and reducing nondefense discretionary spending by 5%.

Because fraud at Damon's competitor was really, really bad! Fraud at Damon was really, really bad! So we wouldn't want the government to have the resources it needs to investigate and prosecute fraud, would we?

FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM!