WE RECRUIT (INEPTLY)

So I guess I'm going to miss out on a wonderful opportunity on Sunday because I don't live in a red state: I'm not going to be invited to a "Super Bowl Watch Party" planned according to this guidebook.



It was written by Tim B. Knopps of the Timothy Institute of Evangelism in Oklahoma City -- and even though it's geared toward the Super Bowl, it's not exactly muscular Christianity.

Some inspiring highlights from the text:

A Super Bowl Watch Party goes like this:

* Get a bunch of people together
* Watch a football game
* Eat a lot of food
* Scream and holler, laugh and giggle and have a great time
* Tell people about Jesus

"Giggle"? That doesn't sound quite right.

A Super Bowl Watch Party is just the occasion you need to tell people about Jesus.

Everyone is having great time, the atmosphere is exciting and the next thing you know someone is sharing how great it is to be a believer.

Oh yeah -- that's an inevitable progression, isn't it?

Not only are we "Evangelicals" but also "Eat'ngelicals". We love to eat on Sundays!

Ouch.

Use your food as evangelism touch points. Use a computer to print "Jesus Loves you" on labels, and then wrap them around toothpicks. Use them as little flags on all your cupcakes or Hors d'oeuvre.

Cupcakes that have little toothpick flags in them. And this complements brutal ritualized violence how exactly?

Have things that people can take home with them. Gifts and prizes, trinkets and treasures are all good, but even more important are the witnessing pieces that they take home too. Acquire the best quality of witnessing materials that you can find. Get familiar with it and use it during the party. If you can, have a paperback New Testament available to give to those that make a decision for Christ at the event. People like to leave the party with their hands full.

Trinkets? Refer back to the previous question.

Balloons, balloons and balloons. One of my Evangelistic Watch Party mottos is "You can't share Jesus too many times, and you can't have too many balloons". Your party locations should be a bastion of balloons with the colors of the competing Super Bowl teams. Each time a team scores, have their fans go pop one of the balloons of the other team. If you have lots, let them pop one for each point! ( Hat pins optional ! )

Tim, how old are you? Do you still live with your mother?

Use commercials, half-time and pre/post game shows as opportunities to do Evangelism.

Sharing your story or play a NFL player's testimony on the DVD or Tape player.

Lay out witnessing material in places that they will be picked up and read.

Invite your guests to come to Church with you next Sunday.

OK -- enough.

I'm assured -- by Baptist Press, by Florida Baptist Witness -- that this stuff really reels 'em in for Jesus. Me, I'd rather be trapped in an elevator for three hours. With Joe Biden.

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Right-wing Christians get all worked up about the notion that gay people "recruit," but I sure don't know any gay people who "recruit" this way.

Can you imagine gay people doing something like this? Can you imagine gay men holding an Oscar party and inviting straight guys to come and learn all about gayness? Cooking up a whole bunch of food, leaving gay porn around in prominent places, having "quiet rooms" where gay men can "witness" and the straight guys can learn to see the Truth of the Gay Way?

It would probably be about as successful as these Super Bowl parties.