Thursday, October 03, 2013

Dear Suckers...

Am I the only one who sees Cantor's new Memo as the equivalent of the recently discovered memo from the Captain of the Titanic?

To: Passengers and Crew of the TitanicFr: Your Co-CaptainRe: Current State of Play, Strategy, and Goals

I wanted to take a moment and provide an update as to how I see things developing with respect to the Iceberg.  We are really in an unprecedented place.  Consider the following:
The Iceberg is refusing to actively engage to end the current impasse.  Respected Author Bob Woodward has called the Iceberg's avoidance of talks "baffling."  The Iceberg and his team's absence is in stark contrast to the last Iceberg.  During the Iceberg crash of 1995 the Iceberg actively engaged us in an attempt to find a solution.
Our Strategy: While no one can predict with certainty how the current Iceberg Incident will be resolved, I am confident that if we keep advancing common-sense solutions to the problems created by the Iceberg that the Iceberg will eventually agree to meaningful discussions that would allow us to ultimately resolve this impasse.  The American people have chosen to crash on this Iceberg and they expect us to work together and they will not countenance the iceberg simply sitting there and refusing to load the victims onto the boats we do not have.
It is unfortunate--especially for the men and women who are currently drowning in the water--that we are in this situation.  I am willing, as I know you are, to resolve this impasse.  and I look forward to the moment when the Iceberg does my job for me and decides to do the same.
Thank you for all your efforts in these trying times.

Edited to clean up the rough formatting.


Victor said...

BRILLIANT, aimia!!!

I'd like to add a brief post-script:
"As the Captain, I'd like to add that the crew and will be taking the last lifeboat, since we pretty much all have guaranteed jobs later on, no matter what happens to you passengers.

PS: If you jump, maybe you can find some of those deck-chairs we heaved overboard, so you can freeze to death, instead of drown.

Bon Freezing and Drowning!

Danp said...

After hitting the iceberg, Boehner (or whatever the captain's name was) said, "This is only a minor delay. We will only be a few hours late to NY." When the engine room was flooded he said, "Not to worry, we'll still be in NY in time for breakfast." When the boat went vertical, he muttered, "good thing I have an upper berth."