WHAT?! P.J. O'ROURKE IS STILL ALIVE?

I had no idea either, but the guy who was a snarky right-wing has-been even before Ann Coulter was a snarky right-wing has-been is apparently still consuming oxygen. He has a new book coming out called Don't Vote: It Just Encourages the Bastards (stealing a book title from a decades-old bumper sticker, but adding a mild curse -- witty!), and he's just published a Weekly Standard "humor piece" that's basically an American Thinker editorial with slightly more interesting sentence structure:

They Hate Our Guts
And they're drunk on power.

Perhaps you're having a tiny last minute qualm about voting Republican. Take heart. And take the House and the Senate. Yes, there are a few flakes of dander in the fair tresses of the GOP's crowning glory -- an isolated isolationist or two, a hint of gold buggery, and Christine O'Donnell announcing that she's not a witch. (I ask you, has Hillary Clinton ever cleared this up?)

Har har har! That Hitlery KlintOOOOn -- what a nut-crusher! Seriously, dude, where have you been? It's not 1994 anymore -- your team likes Hillary now. These days that joke is supposed to be about Nancy Pelosi.

... They hate our guts.

They don't just hate our Republican, conservative, libertarian, strict constructionist, family values guts. They hate everybody's guts. And they hate everybody who has any. Democrats hate men, women, blacks, whites, Hispanics, gays, straights, the rich, the poor, and the middle class.

Democrats hate Democrats most of all. Witness the policies that Democrats have inflicted on their core constituencies, resulting in vile schools, lawless slums, economic stagnation, and social immobility. Democrats will do anything to make sure that Democratic voters stay helpless and hopeless enough to vote for Democrats.

Um, if we'll do anything to get people to vote for us, why do we lose so many elections? Maybe we don't make people helpless enough, if that really is how you seize power in this country. Or maybe we just don't hate enough people, or hate people enough. Since you guys have had the White House for 32 of the past 42 years, and the Senate and House for 12 of the past 16, could it be that you guys are the best haters? Are you the ones keeping voters helpless and hopeless? And is that working for you?

Whence all this hate? Is it the usual story of love gone wrong? Do Democrats have a mad infatuation with the political system, an unhealthy obsession with an idealized body politic? Do they dream of capturing and ravishing representational democracy? Are they crazed stalkers of our constitutional republic?

No. It's worse than that. Democrats aren't just dateless dweebs clambering upon the Statue of Liberty carrying a wilted bouquet and trying to cop a feel. Theirs is a different kind of love story.

You know what, Peej? I'd be careful calling Democrats "dweebs" with a Statue of Liberty fixation. Have you seen the recent viral video of Todd Seavey and Helen Rittelmeyer -- the Lisa Loopner and Todd De La Mucca of Wingnuttia -- who had a lovers' spat on C-SPAN 2? Go watch it, Peej, and get back to me about that political dweeb thing.

Power, not politics, is what the Democrats love. Politics is merely a way to power's heart.... And politics comes with that reliable boost for pathetic egos, a weapon: legal monopoly on force. If persuasion fails to win the day, coercion is always an option.

Dude, we can't even get our own senators to vote for our own legislation.

... Democrats hate success. Success could supply the funds for a power elopement. Fire up the Learjet. Flight plan: Grand Cayman. Democrats hate failure too. The true American loser laughs at legal monopoly on force. He’s got his own gun.

Does anyone have any idea what that paragraph means? Is it meant to be some sort of slam poetry?

Democrats hate productivity, lest production be outsourced to someplace their beloved power can't go. And Democrats also hate us none-too-productive drones in our cubicles or behind the counters of our service economy jobs.

"Us," Peej? "Us"? I knew you hadn't been selling very many books lately, but when the hell was the last time you had a real job?

... Democrats hate stay-at-home spouses, no matter what gender or gender preference. Democratic advocacy for feminism, gay marriage, children's rights, and "reproductive choice" is simply a way to invade --power's little realm of domestic private life and bring it under the domination of Democrats.

Democrats hate immigrants. Immigrants can't stay illegal because illegality puts immigrants outside the legal monopoly on force. But immigrants can't become legal either. They'd prosper and vote Republican.

Democrats hate America being a world power because world power gives power to the nation instead of to Democrats.

And Democrats hate the military, of course. Soldiers set a bad example. Here are men and women who possess what, if they chose, could be complete control over power. Yet they treat power with honor and respect....

You know what else we hate? Puppies. Puppies look cute and have enderaing faces and make endearing cute noises and then roll over on their backs and beg for a treat and a belly rub. AND WE HATE THAT BECAUSE IT ALL MAKES PEOPLE FEEL SO GOOD THAT THEY AREN'T ANGRY ENOUGH TO WANT TO HELP US DESTROY CAPITALISM AND CASTRATE ALL STRAIGHT WHITE MEN!

This is not an election on November 2. This is a restraining order. Power has been trapped, abused and exploited by Democrats. Go to the ballot box and put an end to this abusive relationship. And let’s not hear any nonsense about letting the Democrats off if they promise to get counseling.

Abuse power? Us? Well, neglect is a form of abuse, I guess. We were entrusted with power, but we sure did neglect it. We were even paying attention to it, so it slipped out its bedroom window and started hanging out with a bad crowd from another party -- you guys, Peej. And now you've got it turning tricks while you take all the money.

Yeah, I guess that is our fault, isn't it?