At the nadir of his presidency, George W. Bush is looking for answers. One at a time or in small groups, he summons leading authors, historians, philosophers and theologians to the White House to join him in the search. Over sodas and sparkling water, he asks his questions: What is the nature of good and evil in the post-Sept. 11 world? What lessons does history have for a president facing the turmoil I'm facing? How will history judge what we've done? Why does the rest of the world seem to hate America? Or is it just me they hate?

--Peter Baker, "A President Besieged and Isolated, Yet at Ease", The Washington Post, July 2, 2007

"All right, I guess we're all here. I want to thank you all for coming. Does everyone have a soda or a sparkling water? Good, good. Now, all of you have been included in some of our previous gatherings here at the White House during these days of confusion. And I've been especially impressed by the counsel I've received from each and every one of you. And it seemed like a good time to have you back and see if we can concentrate on some of these really pressing issues today, since it is after all the Fourth of July, which means, as you all know, there won't be anything good on television. Let me start with you, Magic 8-Ball. As you know, a lot of people out there are misunderappreciating me. They seem to be driven to criticize my presidency out of jealousy of my toughness and resolve. Will history prove me right in time for them all to realize how awful they're being to me?"

SIGNS POINT TO YES!

"Well, you're the objective party here. All I can do is take your well-considered opinion in the selfless spirit in which it is offered. Magic Mirror, is all the fault on their side of the ledger? Is there anything I could have done to enlighten these miscreants?"

"Romper, bomper, stomper, doo..."

"Please, Magic Mirror, this is a private gathering among equals. We can dispense with the formalities."

"Mister President, sir, there is no question that you are utterly and completely blameless in this matter! Your strength of character is matched only by the wisdom of your choices, again and again! The sureness of your judgement, the endless attention to detail..."

"Well, I don't really like to pay too much attention to detail. Wouldn't want to be like Clinton or somebody with the hands-on and the jumping in where we don't belong, like in New Orleans. You know what Ben Franklin said, the government that governs best is governed by somebody who spends a lot of time in the gym."

"Of course! I have stupidly misspoken! Please, I beg you, smash me! Use that poker by the fireplace."

"Now, now, anybody can make a mistake. Might be a little something in the sparkling water if you know what I mean. You just kick back there a sec and recover your train of thought. Bizarro, what do you think? Could anyone ever honestly detect any flaws in my handling of the crusade against Islamofascizzelism?"

"Bizarro love President Bush! President Bush great war president! Worst act of domestic terror in his country's history occur on his watch, which mean him the only man to stand up to terrorists! How Democrats could do that? If Democratics could protect us from terror, explain to Bizarro how nothing as bad happen under other Democratic president? Democrats so weak and cowardly that in both elections, President Bush defeat Democrat who served in war that President Bush fought by staying coked up in Texas. If Democrat could ever protect this country, then how explain why Democratic presidents led country in war that defeat Nazis. President Bush handling of war on terror conducted perfectly according to standards of Bizarro logic. Him say it war, need military to attack those who plot against us, so he send military to spend years and years fighting in country that not plot against us, led by man who terrorists not like. That a new one even to Bizarro. People of Bizarro World never really understand U. S. government before President Bush, but him set standard we can be proud to emulate. Every year we have big holiday to celebrate anniversary of him never catching Osama bin laden. Everywhere in Bizarro World, Bizarro people fight terror by seeing bombings on TV and going outside and retaliating by shooting their mailman. President Bush am welcome to visit Bizarro World anytime and sleep on presidential couch. Herbert Hoover can kiss Bizarro's ass."

"Thank you, Bizarro, and you tell the people of the Bizarro World that I am grateful for their loyal resolve in remaining part of the coalition of the willing. I wonder, though, if I should actually do anything about the management of the war or if it would be better to just sit here and make speeches about treason for the next year and a half and leave it all for the next president to sort out. Barney? Your thoughts?"

[silence]

"Barney? I'll tell you what. If you jump up as high as the hand in which I'm holding this puppy treat, I'll know that you're saying that I should just tough it out and leave it to the soldiers to win this war as best they can."

[silence]

"Huh. That's really weird. I sure thought somebody would like a nice puppy treat. But given the free-wheeling nature of these discussions, I don't suppose we should be surprised at the occasional ill-considered opinion. Colin Powell? Do you have any thoughts on this question?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever you say, you're the king of everything."

"That means a lot to me coming from you, General. But you know, speaking of my duly elected position as the king of everything, lately there's been some loose talk that Dick Cheney has too much power in my administration. General Powell, you used to work here in the White House. Did you ever get that impression?"

"Yeah, sure, or gosh, no, whichever you like, you're the boss and that's a good thing, for sure."

"Magic 8-Ball, the Cheney question. Your thoughts?"

ANSWER HAZY, REPLY LATER

"Sounds as if somebody's had a little too much sparkling water. Magic Mirror?"

"Oooooh, Dick Cheney is so smart and good and so incredibly munificent, he deserves to run the country, just so long as he doesn't overstep his bounds, which he could only do if you ever felt that's what was happening, since he has the mixed blessing of serving under the only man who deserves to be president than himself, which is of course you o magnificent one, and so whatever he does is fine and the country should be ever so grateful unless you ever decide otherwise, in which case I wouldn't want to be in his shoes!"

"Tough but fair. Which reminds me; earlier this week, I had to show that for all my toughness, I too can be fair and compassionate. My decision to demonstrate my respect for the legal process by commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby..."

[Growling and slavering, Barney suddenly jumps up from the floor and charges the president, jaws wide, aiming at his throat. In a flash, Bizarro leaps from his chair and grabs the animal, snapping its neck with a single twist.]

"Wow. That's gonna be hard to explain to the press."

"If President Bush like, Bizarro can take Barney home with him to Bizarro World. Him make fine pet for some little Bizarro who will love him and pet him while he lies there drawing flies."

"Yeah, that'd be real good, Bizarro. Why don't you do that? I think maybe it's time for the party to break up."

"Bizarro, speaking on behalf of all people of Bizarro World, pledge ever-lasting devotion and eternal loyalty to brave President Bush."

"You bet. Leave through the kitchen exit, okay?"

"Well, it has been fun..."

"Thanks, Colin. You want a blast for the road?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna pass by the secretary's desk and pick up my puppy treat, I mean, my check."

"I'll just walk you..."

"Thanks, I know the way to the kitchen. Hello, Madame First Lady."

"It's 'Laura', numb nuts. You guys been breaking out your secret decoder rings and having another pow-wow?"

"The president just wanted to confer with me on some special..."

"Un-huh, before you get in too deep, I should tell you that I just passed Lurch in the hallway. I take it we need to order another dog, George?"

"I'll take care of it, honey. The guy I know at the pound has the protocol down pat by now. See you later, General."

"'Night."

"So, Laura, I'm pretty much done for the day. How about you?"

"I've got my book club, George. The girls and I are discussing An American Tragedy."

"Cool title. Hey, it's not about..."

"No, George, it's not.

"Oh, okay, well, good. So, the girls, huh? All the girls? Including..."

"Hillary's coming, George, and she knows to come in through the kitchen."

"That'll work. So, I guess you'll be free in an hour or so, huh? And then, maybe, I was thinking, you know, maybe I could run a little bubble bath, and put some Dan Fogelberg on, and light some of those scented candles you like, and that then, maybe we could..."

"Why don't you call Scooter Libby and see if he'll come over, George?"

[x-posted at The Phil Nugent Experience]