SIMPLE ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

A Daily Caller article titled "27 Questions for the First GOP Presidential Debate" is the lead link at Fox Nation right now. The 27 questions include two for each of the ten candidates who'll appear in the debate. I'm going to put those aside and concentrate on the other seven questions, which are intended for the entire field, because they're not very good questions, and they're not very difficult to answer.

* Name a figure outside of politics who you would consider nominating to your Cabinet. What would you nominate them for and why?

Correct answer: a right-wing minister (maybe Franklin Graham), a conservative CEO (Scott Walker suck-up watch: would he name one of the Koch brothers?), or a college football coach. Alternately, turn to Ben Carson (or wave to Carly Fiorina off-screen) and offer a Cabinet job. (Ted Cruz suck-up watch: Would he offer a Cabinet job to Trump?) I should note, however, that this question may be in there only because of the hope that Trump would say "Oprah Winfrey" and sink his campaign.

* President Barack Obama is often criticized for playing too much golf. What is appropriate amount of leisure time for an American president?

This question is not meant to be answered. This question is meant to be a jumping-off point for a riff on how unspeakably awful Obama is. Do not fall into the trap of actually trying to respond.

* Who is the smartest liberal writer you read?

If you seriously name anyone, you lose. The correct answer is to snort derisively and suggest that "smart liberal writer" is a contradiction in terms. The one and only possible alternative: Answer "Karl Marx," and say, "Because he warned us what would happen if the liberal policies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were put into effect."

* Libertarian tech billionaire Peter Thiel says he always asks potential hires, “What is one thing you believe to be true that most do not?” How would you respond?

Freedom. Just say you believe in freedom, and too many people don't. You're home free. If somebody beats you to that, mention your Christian faith, and say it's become politically incorrect in America today. Not many other choices here. (This may also be intended as a trap for Trump, who might get caught up in a long, rambling monologue about Omarosa or Gary Busey on The Apprentice and completely forget where he is.)

* What policy does another country get right that we would be well served to adopt in our country?

I don't know what the policy is, but the only country you can safely invoke in this answer is Israel. Make some word salad out of "Neville Chamberlain," "never again," and "Islamic extremism" and you're safe.

* Do you believe President Obama is a bad person, or just politically misguided?

Yes and yes. If your answer can't be summarized as "both," you lose.

* What three books most influenced your political worldview?

Now that Paul Ryan has concluded that invoking the work of Ayn Rand is politically risky, you should know enough to leave her out. Hayek's Road to Serfdom is still an acceptable (and possibly mandatory) answer. Definitely mandatory: the Bible. The third one is a free pick, but you get bonus points if it's by Churchill. (Trump, however, will name three of his own books, and get away with it.)

See how easy being a Republican presidential candidate is?