Tuesday, November 17, 2015


Over at IJReview, Townhall columnist Kurt Schlichter has published a fantasy story I was about to refer to as "war porn" until I realized that its real subject, for all its military detail, isn't war at all. The subject is revenge against Schlichter's real enemy -- not ISIS, but liberals.

Pay no attention to the title, "What Defeating ISIS Would Look Like." ISIS's defeat, in this fever dream, is just a means to an end.

In Schlichter's fantasy, the Obama years have ended and we have a new president -- "young and usually quite calm, but as a Cuban-American son of immigrants, he understood tyranny and knew how to deal with it." (Really? Marco Rubio? Surely Schlichter is more of a Ted Cruz fan, but Cruz's mother was born in Delaware.) The president is first seen firing his weak-kneed CENTCOM commander, who lacks the will to "utterly destroy ISIS." President Cruzbio then summons a retired Marine known as "the Wildman":
He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.” ...

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname. President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander.
"President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander." Did I say the real villain of this piece was Schlichter's domestic enemies? Hang on, there's more.
... “General, this is the President. We need you. I am ordering you off the retired list and back to active duty as CENTCOM commander, effective immediately. I want to see your plan for the total destruction of ISIS in 72 hours. Your rules of engagement are simple. Wipe them out.”
What we're going to get is war as wingers fantasize it could always be -- easy, painless, and instant -- if it weren't for liberals and quislings with their silly "rules of engagement" and "civilized" "values." Raqqa is bombed to smithereens -- and you know what the best thing about that is?
With Raqqa flattened, the President went on television to announce that America was again at war. Most Americans supported him.
Take that, libtards!

Next, a bit of backstory:
... he had been elected in the wake of the events of October 12, 2016, when ISIS sleepers in America had struck at shopping malls across the country. While the killers in Phoenix and Dallas had been unable to murder more than a half dozen because of armed citizens (police credited dead terrorists to a retired schoolteacher with a Glock 19 and an insurance salesman carrying a Kimber M1911A1), hundreds of defenseless Americans were massacred in gun-free shopping malls in Los Angeles and Chicago.
This is ostensibly a story about dealing with foreign foes, but Schlichter can't resist this NRA revenge fantasy -- bite me, gun-grabbers! And now back to the war:
“Our goal is simple. We are going to destroy ISIS and kill its members. There will be no negotiations, no hesitation, no hands tied behind our backs. They wanted war. They will have it,” said the President.
Yup, "no hands tied behind our backs." No matter which war wingnuts seem to be talking about, they're always talking about Vietnam.
The new GOP Senate majority leader dispensed with the filibuster, and the declaration of war passed easily.
Right -- remember how Democrats filibustered the Iraq War?

Oh, and here's my favorite part of all this:
The President also announced that all Americans must pay their fair share to support the war effort, and imposed a temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans. Those not working must also pay their fair share too, he said; he signed a bill cutting all social programs 7% and shifting the savings to the military.
So all social programs are cut 7%? Does that include Medicare and Social Security? I bet that goes over really well in the heartland. Oh, and I bet Schlichter's "temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans" doesn't apply to capital gains or carried interest.

How does the real enemy respond to this?
The Democrats went ballistic; the President’s approval rating hit 60%.
Preparations are made, and scores are settled:
At an airfield outside Irbil, the brave Kurds beheld a nearly endless series of C-17 cargo planes flying in with the weapons and ammunition Obama refused to supply.
Again we see Schlichter's real enemy. Oh, and by the way:

"The Wildman" pointedly rejects liberal pusillanimity:
The Wildman’s Commander’s Intent statement said nothing about winning hearts and minds: “You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary.”
Oooh, complete lack of concern for the fate of civilians! I think the earth just moved.

I won't bore you with too much of the rest, but, of course, the real enemy is soundly defeated:
The Americans published daily body counts. This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people... when American forces caught a band of ISIS fighters who had beheaded two captured American pilots, they were tried by a Marine court martial... and were shot by firing squad the next morning. The media was horrified when the President told a press conference, “If you murder Americans, you will die. Period.” His popularity rose to 70%.

... The Wildman ... set out to ruthlessly dismember the Islamic State, to kill its members, and to demonstrate to a Middle East that doubted American power and resolve under the feckless Barack Obama that America was still the proverbial strong horse.

... When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead. The Islamic State was just a terrible memory.
That last sentence clearly puts the outcomes in order of importance.

And that's a big part of why we are where we are in America right now: Conservatives see everything, including the grave threat to America's safety and security posed by foreign jihadists, as part of the real war, the War on Liberalism. Triumphing in that war is what's most important; satisfying Muslim body counts come second; and actually neutralizing the specific group that threatens us comes third.


BONUS SCHLICHTER: Here's a tweet the author of this piece posted the night of the Paris attacks:

Schlichter lives in Manhattan Beach, California, population 35,726. I live in the real Manhattan. Hey Kurt, put the gun down. If they come, they're not coming for you.


Greg said...

Chuck Norris IS The Wildman.

Paul W said...

I guarantee you if we drag this guy to a plane to fly him to a front line to fight "his" war, the guy is gonna claim flat feet or a herniated disc or something to avoid going into a real warzone.

bgn said...

Well, it's nice to see rightbloggers actually attempting something in the arts rather than just complaining because Beyonce or Stephen Sondheim or Wes Anderson or whoever won't do it for them.

Joey Blau said...

Bah.. About two days after we invade 50% of Daesh fighters will have shaved off the beards and changed their clothes and buried their weapons. They and their burka clad British wives will be refugees from the horrible IS.

So, do we line them up and shoot them? Let the Kurds do it? Dog forbids we let Hezbollah do it for us.

Professor Fate said...

if he doesn't stop typing stories like this he's going to go blind.

Frank Wilhoit said...

The important point here is that, for "conservatives", all foreign actors are allegories for domestic actors.

Pragmatic Idealist said...

"You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary."

Hey that makes it easy. Pull out the nukes.

Victor said...

A few more pieces like this, and this POS will need a seeing-eye dog!

That, and another fist!!!

Rugosa said...

I've been saying since the W administration that the right watches too many B movies. Their world view turns everything into a cheap plot: the lone hero, the few defeating the many, the easy victory because Our Side just has the right stuff and the strongest will. It's very entertaining until the bombs drop in your neighborhood.

Hi, Victor! Good to see you commenting again. I hope the recovery is coming along well.

Feud Turgidson said...

Good on Joey Blau for calling them "Daesh". That's what Hollande calls them, that's what Obama calls, so let's get with Steve M. Drop the ISIS nonsense, because that's what they WANT you to call them.

Daesh. As Colbert said, it's pronounced "douche".

cichlid said...

So what we have here is the plan for the Cruz/Rubio October Surprise of 2016?

Mustang Bobby said...

This is in keeping with those who think Dr. Strangelove is a documentary.

Ten Bears said...

Like Chuck Norris?

John Wayne? Ronald Reagan?

Ten Bears said...

Though I did have to go out to my sweatlodge last night and roll several times in the crick, I don't find any of this be even remotely humorous, not even in the "if we couldn't laugh we would just go insane" vein. This is Apocalypse End Times Left Behind racist, mysogenous, homophobic bloodthirsty Christian Terrorist pornography of the first order and everyone, theist and non-theist, should be concerned. Interestingly enough...

As I've looked deeper into the Daesh cult, itself a sub-cult of a sub-cult of a sub-cult of the Abrahamic Cult - the Judean-Christian cults - I am struck by the remarkable similarities with the end times JC cults here. Both await a precious lord and master's arrival, on a flying horse attended by thousands of angels to carry the faithful away to paradise, though for both before that can happen a number of ducks need be in a row, ducks that all seem to involve rape, murder and all of the above, and that it is their Manifest Destiny to put those ducks into the row.

Also interesting, it appears daesh (pronounced dooche) is a derogatory term more civilized Muslims use to refer to nutball fundamentalist end-timers.

Robert M. said...

"This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people..."

Note that "liberals" and "American people" are non-overlapping categories, here.

For most of the right-wing crowd, it's always about projection. For people like Kurt, though, it's always about the Dolchsto├člegende. And I don't mean that in a cute, let's-score-rhetorical-points-on-the-Internet kind of way, either.

Unknown said...

There are 900,000 civilians in Raqqa. Well to be fair most of them are probably brown so it doesn;t matter to Conservatives...but I wonder is this dude a "Christian?"

Glennis said...

Loaded 5 magazines as I watched the news reports. When they come here - and they will come here - we are the front line fighters.

"The occupying force surged up the beach, past the volleyball courts, past the cappuccino bar, past the valet stand. The sports bar fell first; then the Asian fusion cafe on Ocean Avenue. They took out a guy pushing a double-wide jogging stroller - poor bastard never had a chance. Then strafed a Land Rover with vanity plates reading 'I [heart] MBeach.' Just then, the morning Pilates class was letting out. A few brave souls took their stand, fighting off the devils while the neighborhood patrol called for reinforcements. The carnage was terrible; Manhattan Avenue was littered with bloody yoga mats...."

Kurt Schlicter lives in Manhattan Beach, CA.

Ten Bears said...

Why would anyone want to invade Manhattan Beach?

Grung_e_Gene said...

All I hear as I read that shlock is the Delta Force Theme music as I imagine Kurt riding a motorcycle shooting missles at Liberals.

Anonymous said...

"It means he gets results you stupid Chief!"

Unsalted Sinner said...

"And when it was all over the president took of his shirt and said: "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, General?" And President Rubio and General Schlichter -- uh, I mean The Wildman -- made hot, passionate love in the Oval Office."

David in NYC said...

So, he loaded up 5 magazines?

I'm thinking "Guns & Ammo", "Soldier of Fortune", "Juggz", "Victoria's Secret catalog", and "Redbook".

Col Bat Guano said...

Maybe he could use some of those five magazines to take out the next school shooter. That would be the first.

Aybn Marx 666 said...

'David in NYC':

I had a similar thought, except they were "Mixed Combo Bondage", "The American Spectator", and three copies of "Juggs"...and by 'loaded'—well, delicacy forbids that I elaborate further.

Unknown said...

Typing with one hand is a bitch.