KURT SCHLICHTER FIGHTS THE REAL ENEMY (HINT: IT'S NOT ISIS)

Over at IJReview, Townhall columnist Kurt Schlichter has published a fantasy story I was about to refer to as "war porn" until I realized that its real subject, for all its military detail, isn't war at all. The subject is revenge against Schlichter's real enemy -- not ISIS, but liberals.

Pay no attention to the title, "What Defeating ISIS Would Look Like." ISIS's defeat, in this fever dream, is just a means to an end.

In Schlichter's fantasy, the Obama years have ended and we have a new president -- "young and usually quite calm, but as a Cuban-American son of immigrants, he understood tyranny and knew how to deal with it." (Really? Marco Rubio? Surely Schlichter is more of a Ted Cruz fan, but Cruz's mother was born in Delaware.) The president is first seen firing his weak-kneed CENTCOM commander, who lacks the will to "utterly destroy ISIS." President Cruzbio then summons a retired Marine known as "the Wildman":

He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.” ...

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname. President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander.

"President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander." Did I say the real villain of this piece was Schlichter's domestic enemies? Hang on, there's more.

... “General, this is the President. We need you. I am ordering you off the retired list and back to active duty as CENTCOM commander, effective immediately. I want to see your plan for the total destruction of ISIS in 72 hours. Your rules of engagement are simple. Wipe them out.”

What we're going to get is war as wingers fantasize it could always be -- easy, painless, and instant -- if it weren't for liberals and quislings with their silly "rules of engagement" and "civilized" "values." Raqqa is bombed to smithereens -- and you know what the best thing about that is?

With Raqqa flattened, the President went on television to announce that America was again at war. Most Americans supported him.

Take that, libtards!

Next, a bit of backstory:

... he had been elected in the wake of the events of October 12, 2016, when ISIS sleepers in America had struck at shopping malls across the country. While the killers in Phoenix and Dallas had been unable to murder more than a half dozen because of armed citizens (police credited dead terrorists to a retired schoolteacher with a Glock 19 and an insurance salesman carrying a Kimber M1911A1), hundreds of defenseless Americans were massacred in gun-free shopping malls in Los Angeles and Chicago.

This is ostensibly a story about dealing with foreign foes, but Schlichter can't resist this NRA revenge fantasy -- bite me, gun-grabbers! And now back to the war:

“Our goal is simple. We are going to destroy ISIS and kill its members. There will be no negotiations, no hesitation, no hands tied behind our backs. They wanted war. They will have it,” said the President.

Yup, "no hands tied behind our backs." No matter which war wingnuts seem to be talking about, they're always talking about Vietnam.

The new GOP Senate majority leader dispensed with the filibuster, and the declaration of war passed easily.

Right -- remember how Democrats filibustered the Iraq War?

Oh, and here's my favorite part of all this:

The President also announced that all Americans must pay their fair share to support the war effort, and imposed a temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans. Those not working must also pay their fair share too, he said; he signed a bill cutting all social programs 7% and shifting the savings to the military.

So all social programs are cut 7%? Does that include Medicare and Social Security? I bet that goes over really well in the heartland. Oh, and I bet Schlichter's "temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans" doesn't apply to capital gains or carried interest.

How does the real enemy respond to this?

The Democrats went ballistic; the President’s approval rating hit 60%.

Preparations are made, and scores are settled:

At an airfield outside Irbil, the brave Kurds beheld a nearly endless series of C-17 cargo planes flying in with the weapons and ammunition Obama refused to supply.

Again we see Schlichter's real enemy. Oh, and by the way:

Kurt skipped the step where Congress passed a law making it legal to arm Kurds directly. Or maybe he didn't. pic.twitter.com/pH8WbWxoEN

— Gary Legum (@GaryLegum) November 17, 2015

"The Wildman" pointedly rejects liberal pusillanimity:

The Wildman’s Commander’s Intent statement said nothing about winning hearts and minds: “You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary.”

Oooh, complete lack of concern for the fate of civilians! I think the earth just moved.

I won't bore you with too much of the rest, but, of course, the real enemy is soundly defeated:

The Americans published daily body counts. This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people... when American forces caught a band of ISIS fighters who had beheaded two captured American pilots, they were tried by a Marine court martial... and were shot by firing squad the next morning. The media was horrified when the President told a press conference, “If you murder Americans, you will die. Period.” His popularity rose to 70%.

... The Wildman ... set out to ruthlessly dismember the Islamic State, to kill its members, and to demonstrate to a Middle East that doubted American power and resolve under the feckless Barack Obama that America was still the proverbial strong horse.

... When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead. The Islamic State was just a terrible memory.

That last sentence clearly puts the outcomes in order of importance.

And that's a big part of why we are where we are in America right now: Conservatives see everything, including the grave threat to America's safety and security posed by foreign jihadists, as part of the real war, the War on Liberalism. Triumphing in that war is what's most important; satisfying Muslim body counts come second; and actually neutralizing the specific group that threatens us comes third.

*****

BONUS SCHLICHTER: Here's a tweet the author of this piece posted the night of the Paris attacks:

Loaded 5 magazines as I watched the news reports. When they come here - and they will come here - we are the front line fighters. #2A

— Kurt Schlichter (@KurtSchlichter) November 14, 2015

Schlichter lives in Manhattan Beach, California, population 35,726. I live in the real Manhattan. Hey Kurt, put the gun down. If they come, they're not coming for you.