Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I know I should be posting about Abramoff, or going all Alito all the time, but I'm trying to suppress laughter as I read about a competition some people from my old home state are planning to stage next month:

Feb 4th, 2006

Location to be determined.

Mr Heterosexual Contest 2006
A Celebration of God's Creation

A real competition that will bring fun and laughter as we celebrate God's design.

I learn from this article that the contest will be actually held on February 18, not February 4 -- a facility in Sturbridge, Massachusetts, backed out of hosting the competition on the earlier date, and now it's being held two weeks later in Worcester. Gay activists hope Worcester's Mechanics Hall will also back out, but I don't think it's a big deal -- this thing is too ridiculous to take seriously:

Mr Heterosexual is the creation of Tom Crouse. On his radio show- "Engaging Your World", Tom mentioned the Mr Gay international contest that was held in San Diego and stated that "you never hear of anything for heterosexuals- someone should have a Mr Heterosexual Contest." One thing led to another and Tom decides to put the event together.

The local and national media picked up on the event as well as the homosexual activists, who were outraged that someone could have such an event. Tom has been called by the homosexual activists everything from Osama Bin Laden- to Hitler. Why? Because he has the nerve to have an event celebrating Gods design of Heterosexuality, and also has the nerve to have at the event someone who will give testimony to the fact that Jesus Christ freed them from all their sins....

Yes, that last point is important -- according to this article,

the contest's highlight ... [will be] the appearance of a young man who has decried his homosexuality and has, through the teachings of Jesus Christ, discovered the pleasure and benefits of living a heterosexual life.

So this may be less about straightness than about ex-gayness -- the insistence, through gritted teeth, that whomever one might stare at or fantasize about or flirt with or, in moments of weakness, even have sex with, one has really, really beaten the gay thing. No, seriously.

This isn't going to be a mere beauty contest -- there will be tests of manliness:

Strength - how many oprah magazines can you tear?

Talent - your choice

Intellectual - answering random questions such as your favorite heterosexual role model

Competition - name that food

..........more events to be announced.

Er, I dunno -- doesn't sound all that Y-chromosome to me. If this were a true celebration of the manly, it seems to me the competition would involve, say, chainsaws. (Competitive chainsawing on ESPN: My idea of great TV.) I also think the images on the main page of the Mr. Hetero Web site would be a bit less J. Crew catalog and a bit more like, well, maybe The Onion's Area Man.

On the other hand, the stuff on the Mr. Hetero merchandise page does seem to lack a certain design flair.

On his blog, Crouse promises that the event will stick it to the politically correct Man:

We might say the Pledge of Allegiance and even use the term, "One nation under God", who knows, we might do that a few times. There could also be random outbreaks of "Merry Christmas" during the evening.

In mid-February? Knock yourself out.

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