THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO KID ROCK (updated)

It's almost time...

How will the headliner, Kid Rock, celebrate Faith, Family, and Freedom? I assume that a recent flurry of negative publicity means that he won't be performing this early hymn:

... social media users honed in on Kid Rock’s 2001 song, “Cool, Daddy Cool,” which contains the lyrics, “Young ladies, young ladies, I like ’em underage, see some say that’s statutory (but I say that’s mandatory).”

But that's hardly the only Kid Rock song that would seem a tad out of place if it showed in his set list at a concert celebrating Faith and Family.

I've been writing posts about this jamoke since 2004, when it was first reported that he might perform at the Republican convention in New York. (That year he performed at an event in the city during the convention. He finally made it to the main stage in 2024.) In 2004, I wrote:

Which songs from his catalog should Kid serenade the Values Party with?

"Pimp of the Nation"? "Fuck U Blind"? "Balls in Your Mouth"? "Killin' Brain Cells"? "3 Sheets to the Wind (What's My Name)"? "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp"? "Drunk in the Morning"?

All of those are genuine Kid Rock songs, mostly from his early years.

The 1990 song "Pimp of the Nation" would be an interesting choice for tonight's performance, since it includes these surprisingly prophetic lyrics:

And because I do so much pimping
One day I'll probably walk with a limp
And drive a big Lincoln
Wearing an unbuttoned shirt
And be a fifty-five year old pervert

(Well, the last line is prophetic, at least -- Kid Rock turned 55 in January.) This is also a song that begins with a statement of principles that seems ideally suited to a party led by Jeffrey Epstein's former best friend:

There's only two types of men
Pimps and Johns
There's one type of bitch
And that's a ho

I don't know if you'll be able to get through the entire song. I at least got as far as the verse in which he claims to be pimping Zsa Zsa Gabor, Tipper Gore, Robin Givens, Latoya Jackson, and Roseanne Barr (who, for all we know, might actually show up and perform it with him someday).



Below you'll find Kid Rock's performance of "Balls in Your Mouth" at Woodstock '99, the festival now known as "Rapestock" for its abysmal security and high number of sexual assaults. He introduces the song in part by summarizing his politcal philosophy at the time:

You want me to get political? Well, this is about as deep as Kid Rock thinks: Monica Lewinsky is a fuckin' ho, and Bill Clinton is a goddamn pimp!

Charming -- but surprisingly timely, given that Donald Trump himself recent told a reporter, “See, I like Bill Clinton. I still like Bill Clinton.”

In a way, Kid Rock is the perfect musical act for the age of Trump, a guy who spent his early years obsessed with dehumanizing sex, but who is now regarded as a defender of faith and family even though he hasn't really changed at all.

The Kid Rock who recorded these early songs is the real Kid Rock, not the guy who prances in front of a flag. I hope he performs "Balls in Your Mouth" tonight -- and, since it's Sunday, I hope he performs it while waving a copy of Charlie Kirk's posthumous book:

Throw your hands in the air, church people:



*****

UPDATE: And speaking of Bill Clinton, here's another pious Kid Rock lyric (found via Reddit):

Erika Kirk, your thoughts?