TOP FIVE REASONS DICK CHENEY SHOT AND WOUNDED A COMPANION, HARRY WHITTINGTON, WHILE THE TWO OF THEM WERE HUNTING QUAIL ON SATURDAY
1. Czech intelligence had reportedly sighted Whittington moulting with Old World quail in Prague.
2. Documents published in an Italian newspaper claimed that Whittington had once attempted to obtain edible seeds from Niger.
3. "Reverse domino" theory suggested that shooting Whittington would inspire actual quail to spontaneously surrender to hunters.
4. Liberal Democrats say it's wrong to shoot a fellow hunter. Can America really afford to trust their judgment?
5. We didn't want to find out when it was too late that Whittington's next beer fart was a mushroom cloud.