The one-sided nature of the “civility” debate — where only liberals are lectured about this, while Trump mocks disabled people and Gold Star families, but liberals are told to play nice — reminds me, as usual, of the dynamics of abuse.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
The reason scolds attack liberals for things like asking SHS to leave a restaurant, while sliding the far more egregious daily civility fouls committed by Trumpies is they assume liberals are amenable to these arguments, whereas Trumpies will sneer “snowflake” and keep at it.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
This is very much parallel to the way that abusive couples are treated by friends, family, and society at large: The abuser is treated like a force of nature, not a choice-making person, and the victim’s behavior is the only one that gets examined and policed.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
So the questions are, “Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why didn’t you do what he told you, so he won’t hit you?”, not, “Why do you hit her?” He is assumed beyond reach, and she is not.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
But the effect of this, of course, is that the abuser realizes he is, for all intents and purposes, allowed to beat a woman and he will not be blamed. She will. So that creates permission for his abuse, whereas she is scolded for every move she makes, even in self-defense.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
Same thing with Trumpies vs. liberals in this civility debate. Trump, SHS, etc. realize that functionally, they can do whatever they want, treat people however they want, and they will not be held accountable. But any self-defense moves from liberals will be policed and scolded.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
Anyone who actually cares about civility, like anyone who actually cares about abuse, needs to stop victim-blaming and instead start treating abusers like choice-making people who are far more in need of being held accountable than their victims are.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
One other thought: Asking SHS to leave is not really incivil. In this analogy, it's like an abuse victim setting a boundary with an abuser, for instance, asking him to stop calling her at work.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
Sadly, in abuse, you often see friends and family scold victims for boundary-setting, telling her to be nicer to him and let him have what he wants, while ignoring why she needed to set that boundary. Same thing in the Red Hen case.
— Amanda Marcotte (@AmandaMarcotte) June 26, 2018
Trump, the abuser, is treated as "a force of nature" who can't be expected to refrain from abusing in response to our behavior. This template is also applied to Trump's supporters.
Trump voters escape criticism when they endorse Trump's abusiveness, and engage in abusive behavior of their own, because it's widely believed that we have done something terrible to them. We've taken away their jobs and filled their communities with opioids. (I don't have the wherewithal to do any of those things, but somehow they're my fault, because I'm an "elitist" liberal.) We mock their guns (even though they still have them, in abundance). We make them press 1 for English. (That's the least infuriating part of every phone tree I've ever been forced to use.)
These, we're told, are genuine provocations, so it's okay that Trump supporters rally around a president who's a hater. We made them do it.
We didn't make them do it. And many of them aren't suffering very much.
That's the illustration accompanying a very good Politico story on The Villages, a large community of retirees in Florida that reliably votes Republican in every election. These folks aren't struggling with poverty, addiction, or job loss -- they live in crime-free gated comfort. And yet they're furious. They love Trump and hate NFL football players, and they make Democrats who move in feel unwelcome. America hasn't done anything genuinely terrible to them -- they've lived great lives and are now having a lovely retirement -- but I guess it's presumed that we're responsible for their resentments, because we won't let them have everything they want.
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