ROB PORTER SAID THIS AND NO ONE BURST OUT LAUGHING?

Rob Porter is not a good liar:

Hours after allegations of domestic abuse came to light ... former White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter sought to downplay the narrative, instead offering stories of household mishaps and minor squabbles to explain the women’s wounds, two sources with knowledge of his account told ABC News.

Porter told senior staffers his first ex-wife, Colbie Holderness, received a black eye and facial bruises during an argument as the two struggled over Venetian glass in their hotel room while on vacation in Venice in the early 2000s after they were married.

He said that “[Holderness] was ready to throw glass onto the floor to smash and they both lunged for the glass and there was a struggle,” according to two people with knowledge of the account.

Porter went on to say that she bruised her eye when she fell during their struggle and denied punching her.

Okay -- maybe if you heard that, you'd consider it a (barely) plausible explanation for what appears to be a classic black eye caused by a punch. Maybe you'd accept Porter's implication that his wife was the volatile one. (Porter makes this insinuation more subtly than fellow White House abuser David Sorensen, who claimed to be "the victim of repeated physical violence" at his ex-wife's hands at the time of his resignation last week.)

But Porter's lying gets worse:

In the case of the restraining order that his second ex-wife Jennifer Willoughby filed against him for allegedly breaking into their house with his fist, Porter said that he was merely tapping the glass pane with his index finger, according to the two people with knowledge of what he shared with senior staff.

Porter said he and Willoughby were separated at the time. He returned to the house to collect his clothes, and while tapping the glass door pane with his index finger, his knuckle went through the glass. Porter said he went into the house to wrap up the wound but Willoughby told him to leave, and then she called the police.

He said his knuckle broke through a pane of door glass? Accidentally? And this came after he told the story about the first wife and the Venetian glass? And no one said to him, "Dude, just stop. Stop talking. You're obviously lying"?

I know, I know -- this is the Trump White House, so I suppose Porter had reason to believe that he might get away with "It's the bitch's fault," and also "Boy, did I have a terrible run of luck with seemingly violent incidents involving both of my ex-wives in which my behavior was perfectly innocent!" But whoever leaked these accounts understood how damning they are. Or did the leakers believe they were exonerating?