ARE THOSE THE FEDERALIST PAPERS IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

I'm not as upset about airport security practices as a lot of people are, but I know how much anger they stir up, so I imagine this bill could get quite a bit of support across the political spectrum, even if it is silly...

CONCORD, N.H. -- A House committee held a hearing Tuesday on a bill that would make it a sexual assault for an airport screener to touch or view a person's breast or genitals without probable cause.

The bill (HB628-FN) includes anyone working as a security agent of the federal, state, or local government, and includes touching or viewing with a "technological device."

... but in case you're wondering what part of the spectrum the bill is coming from, I think this makes the answer clear (emphasis added):

The bill states "discussing or possessing a copy of the Constitution, discussing the security apparatus of an airport, being on the premises of an airport, possessing an airplane ticket or any other type of ticket for access to mass transportation, driving a motor vehicle on a public way, or ownership of firearms" should not be considered probable cause.

Oh, give me a break.

Do you damn teabaggers actually believe people are going to subject you to extra airport scrutiny because you're carrying the Constitution? No -- you want to believe this would be grounds for a grope. You really crave that level of persecution, that level of attention. You have Walter Mitty fantasies of being deemed an enemy of the state. (Though since you brought it up, maybe we should be paying extra attention to you if you're a teabagger and you happen to be getting on a plane with any Democratic politician, or anyone whose name has ever appeared on Glenn Beck's whiteboard.)

The gun thing I assume is a reference to law enforcement stops outside the airport -- I trust you're not asking us to give you a free pass if you want to pack heat in flight. (Though you're probably going to start asking for that soon, at least for people with pink-hued skin.)

No, guys -- no one's going to touch you because of the Constitution that you carry as a fetish object, and that you never even looked at between January 20, 2001, and January 20, 2009. So relax.