SCREW 'EM -- HAVE SOME FUN WITH "LIPSTICK"

Since Barack Obama's use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig" is clearly going to be the story that will not die, and will actually leap over the economy, gas prices, health care, and Iraq to be the #1 issue in the November election, even though the "sexist" remark wasn't directed at Palin at all, I think Obama should have some fun with it.

Here's what I think he should say:

You know, I'm a little confused. As soon as I said "lipstick on a pig" they said, "You were talking about Sarah Palin and you said 'pig'! How dare you!" And I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about the last eight years of Bush-McCain.

But I got to thinking.

Apparently, I can't use the word "pig" in any reference to any Republican because they think I'm talking about Sarah Palin -- even though she calls herself by all these different animal names! "I'm a pit bull! I'm Sarah Barracuda!" She likes those names!

(Formally:) So I would like to make a request of the McCain campaign.

Could you folks please provide me with a list of approved and not-approved animal names that I can use in reference to Republicans? I really want that list. I want to study it to make sure I don't say the wrong thing.

(Pretending to study a list:) Hmmm, let's see ... pit bull -- that's OK. Barracuda -- fine. Pig -- oh, no, that's out. All right.

Wombat -- can I say that?

Gerbil? How about gerbil? Is that in or out?

Kangaroo? Would it be objectionable if I uttered the word "kangaroo"?

See, I want to make sure I understand what the rules are here. I really need some help. So just send me the list, and I will do everything I can to cooperate.

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I would also make the obvious point that Osama bin Laden, Vladimir Putin, and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad are going to say mean, nasty things about the next president and vice president, and it might be a good idea to have people in those offices who can handle it without resort to the fainting couch.


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And I would definitely make an ad from John McCain's "lipstick on a pig" reference during the primary season.

Start with words on a screen: "'Lipstick on a pig'? Did he really say that?" So you don't know who the subject of the ad is. Then show the clip (with subtitles, because it's hard to hear). Then: "When is John McCain going to apologize to Hillary Clinton?"