RUTHERFORD B. HAYES IS NOW A MOONIE

No, really, I mean it. The fine folks at Americans United for Separation of Church and State, to whom you should definitely give money, discovered this in Reverend Sun Myung Moon's newspaper late last year:

Moon continues to convene conferences in the “spirit world” during which famous historical figures renounce their former faith and beliefs and swear fealty to Moon. The Washington Times on Dec. 28 ran an advertisement from the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification featuring three of these testimonies – from St. Anselm, Thomas Paine and President Rutherford B. Hayes.

The Unification Church claims that during “spirit world” conferences last year, Jesus Christ, Confucius, Muhammad, St. Paul, Martin Luther, St. Augustine, the Buddha, several Hindu leaders and others pledged allegiance to Moon and offered personal testimonies.

The new round of testimonies featured more of the same. Paine, for example, asserted, “If Americans do not want to become eternal wanderers they must follow the teachings of Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who is on earth. He possesses a fundamental philosophy to save not only America but also all humanity.”

Paine, best known as the author of the pamphlet “Common Sense,” which helped spur revolutionary fervor, noted that there is “freedom of the press in this place but I am sad that the limitation of time prevents me from fully expressing my excitement.”

Hayes, the 19th president of the United States, called out, “People of earth! People of America! I cannot record here everything that I have experienced. I can only say that the Unification Principle is a great truth and that it is unmistakable that the Rev. Sun Myung Moon holds all the keys to human salvation and peace.”

The mind reels.

(Americans United also reports that President Charles Taylor of Liberia -- a business partner and pal of Pat Robertson -- may well have harbored al-Qaeda terrorists in the months before the September 11 attacks. God, presumably, told him to do this.)